Letting go is hard. I wouldn’t necessarily say it is the toughest thing in the world but it’s a reality check in the form of a brickwall.

At this point of writing this, there are two women who have formed (from my perspective) a deep emotional attachment with. Both I met when they were single and both are now (that I know of) in relationships.

(This is not in anyway to defame or tarnish either woman, just wanted to get my emotions in writing so the next time this happens, I can kinda talk to myself.)

It’s funny how emotionally connected to both woman I grew to have, but both I couldn’t admit my feelings. I’ll refer to the first woman I didn’t want to admit to myself/ be emotionally honest and the second because I was never emotionally available with.

(Honesty because the first woman I couldn’t be emotionally honest. I was in this frenzy of trying to reframe how I saw her as a friend, or like a sister, etc. Availability because I was never really 100% present when we talked or interacted.)

I will add some awareness right here: this reflection is absolutely happening because the possibility of being with them is gone. There isn’t any way of rationalizing this. In both cases I assumed they would always be single. Essentially:

I find someone attractive, possible wife-material but I am not in a position (financially, emotionally, etc) to be with them so I never really initiate anything beyond friendly relation?. And this is not really a crush but I enjoy their friendship with the underlying hope that when I am ready, they will still be waiting. And then when they do enter into a relatinship with someone else, the realization and acceptance does hit, but the hope and (though this might be emotional manipulative) thought that they may still be available lingers.

I put that last bit into Anthropic’s Claude for what the psychological concepts related to this would be and it provided a couple reasonings:

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• Avoidant attachment patterns often involve wanting connection but creating distance to avoid vulnerability or commitment. You're staying close enough to maintain hope but far enough to avoid the risk of rejection or the responsibility of actually pursuing something.
• Limerence might be part of this too - that persistent, intrusive thinking about someone combined with hope for reciprocation. But unlike typical crushes, you're not actively pursuing resolution, which keeps the fantasy alive indefinitely.
• There's also an element of self-protection through ambiguity. By never making your feelings clear, you avoid the definitive "no" that would force you to move on. The uncertainty, while sometimes painful, preserves the possibility.
• The lingering hope after they enter a relationship suggests you might be engaging in emotional insurance - keeping them as a backup option rather than fully accepting the reality of the situation. This can indeed have manipulative undertones, even if unintentional, because it means you're not offering them complete friendship either.
• This pattern often stems from fear - of rejection, of commitment, of being truly vulnerable. It's a way of wanting connection while minimizing risk, but it can end up creating a kind of emotional limbo for both people involved. </aside>

Before I get to the commentary on the above, here is the notes I wrote the day I found out the first woman entered into her relationship (for this, I replaced her name with [redacted] since this entire writing already has enough emotional vulnerability, but no other modifications have been made):

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July 12, 2024

• Don’t get angry, emotional, or take it personally. Age is a big factor. As long as she is happy, that is all that matters. It doesn’t mean you aren’t worth it, it is just bad timing & lack of experience. Remember what she taught you, how she showed you value, passion, and focus on personality. You need to let it go and remember where you are. Don’t suppress your thoughts, redirect and accept them.
• The emotional intelligence, playfulness, kindness, love, appreciation, empathy, conversational skills, how you hold yourself, treat other people, watch yourself, strive for more, don’t lower your standards for others. Active listening, social cues, chivalry, courtesy, ambition, positive framing, loyalty, morality.
• Don’t forget her. Remember why she changed your life.
• Planning, confidence, and understanding.
• Honesty is dangerous and lying breaks trust.
• You wouldn’t be where you are without her but don’t obsess over it. You broke other relationships for something you didn’t know anything about.
• Extreme ownership and understanding
• You were exceptionally lucky to meet [redacted], don’t ruin all the progress you have made
• Create a page to summarize everything you learned from [redacted]
• Protect, be kind, don’t threaten, understand, and let go. Take walks, clear you head, crash and burn, control your temper, control your energy & anxiety, enjoy life and build it with someone
• Every experience is a learning experience. Embrace the difficulties and it will make the comforts more appreciable. </aside>

(Plot twist, I didn’t come to terms with this until almost a year later. Good intentions, terrible implementation.)

I did write something about a month prior to this that really described this woman I the way I saw her but it’s way too cringy and a lame excuse for literature.

Anyways back to Claude’s ideas.

• Avoidant attachment patterns: creating distance to avoid vulnerability or commitment. Maintain hope but far enough to avoid the risk of rejection.
  • Vulnerability and commitment nah but rejection or losing a friendship that I truly value, absolutely. Value is like love, a beautiful emotion but also the one that can hurt the most when used, abused, or manipulated.
• Limerence: persistent thinking about someone combined with hope for reciprocation. But unlike typical crushes, you're not actively pursuing resolution, which keeps the fantasy alive indefinitely.
  • This goes back to the idea of Beginner’s Euphoria. Where everything is new and the cost of failure is low because there is almost nothing to lose. But in this case, the emotional investment and the genuine enjoyment of being around them despite their flaws or my initial dislikes of personality traits, increases the perception of loss from pretty low/insignificant to wtf, this person has helped save years of mistakes by showing me that certain parts of my personality are special.
• Self-protection through ambiguity: avoiding the definitive "no" that would force you to move on. The uncertainty, while sometimes painful, preserves the possibility.
  • Not sure if self-protection is the right word but it works. Probably a better way is the illusion of preservation, that it still could happen, even if it never does. This is totally true and a direct form of self-manipulation/deception and just basic stupidity. But apparently not dumb enough for me to stop doing this.
  • (Refer to cognitive biases, specifically present bias and temporal discounting.)